I've been thinking a lot lately. This has mainly been spurned by someone who I've been talking with. I used to spend an inordinate amount of my free time thinking about what the hell the world meant to me, and how I could prove anything to myself. There was a time (about 26 months) when I spent at least an hour a night in bed before sleep thinking, because my brain wouldn't 'turn off'. That changed when I talked to evan one night while I was inebriated, and I just started telling him all the things I thought about when I laid there. Evan is someone I respect intellectually (not only intellectually), who makes a sincere attempt at understanding people, which I appreciate. Thanks, Evan. Since I poured all those thoughts out of my head, I have not been staying up as much.
When I lay down nowadays, I still don't want to sleep, but I can drift off after 10 minutes or so. I'm always afraid of the transition period between consciousness and oblivion. It's not something I remember, but who's to say that it isn't a terribly frightening and/or painful experience that you just don't remember? These are the things that cloud my mind now, but I can feel my old thoughts creeping into my head again. Don't be mistaken, I would rather be staying awake thinking than living in complacency. I feel like I actually do make progress with the unanswerable questions I ask myself.
I feel like writing so much more, but I feel that it should be saved for another post.